Saturday, April 2, 2011

Crack Fic: The Real Chapter Ten

Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five
Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine

OMG you guys.... You do NOT know how hard I laughed over the 'Master trapped in pony land' chapter! That was freaking brilliant and I love each and every one of you for continuing it!

So! When we last left our crack fic....

Rory awoke not knowing where he was. He had been pointing a gun at.... some Time Lord. He hadn't caught the name. Now where was here?

"All right there, ape?" a male voice asked. Rory turned his head to see a man with a nose to rival his own and huge ears grinning widely down at him.

"I... Think so...."

"Good. There's no time to dawdle. We've found ourselves in a tight mess this time and can't have you slowing us down," a stern, elderly looking man said, adjusting his suit.

Rory blinked a few times and slowly got to his feet. Four men and a woman were looking at him with looks that ranged from concern to annoyance. Besides the big nosed man and the old one there was a white haired man wearing a velvet suit and a cape as well as a young man with... was that celery pinned to the front of his jacket.

The woman, old and kind looking, smiled at Rory warmly. "Welcome to the Matrix, my dear."

"The Kenanu Reeves film?"

"Who is this idiot? No, you are not in a film. This is the Matrix of Gallifrey, it contains all of the knowledge Time Lords have acquired through the ages." The white hair man explained. "The Lady Romana's last action during the Time War was to save it and sacrifice herself. It is crucial that Rassilon doesn't find it. How did you get here?"

The man with celery on his jacket crouched down and looked deep into Rory's eyes. "He doesn't smell like a Time Lord."

"He's obviously human. And clearly not as good as Jamie was in a crisis. He's trembling like a leaf!" Said yet another new figure, this one a small man in a pair of tartan trousers.

The one in velvet rolled his eyes with very clear annoyance at the new arrival.

"Yes, yes I'm human." Rory jabbered, "I'm Rory. I was travelling with the Doctor. I need to fin-"

"A man? I would've thought it more likely I would choose a female companion, things must be changing in the future."

"No, well my wife's with us too. I have to find her, I need to save her. How can we get out of here? How did I get here in the first place?"

"Ah, well, that's where things get a little blurry..." the tartan wearing one muttered.

"We don't know," responded big-ears shortly. "One moment we were all in our respective TARDISes, next we're all here."

"Right...." Rory said slowly, looking around. He wasn't quite sure where he was; the only thing that he seemed to be able to focus on were the other figures in the room. "Listen, I'm getting a little bit confused..."

"Obviously," three Doctors snarked in unison. Rory ignored them.

"I'm getting a little bit confused," Rory repeated, determined to get his thought out despite the insults of this bunch of lunatics, "and you aren't helping. Feel free to make fun of my intelligence when one of you actually manages to come up with something useful!"

"....Alright, fair enough." Said big-ears, looking mildly impressed.

"I think the Time Lords must be a bit upset about our meddling again, don't you, old boy?" Questioned the one with the celery. The one in tartan nodded in agreement, whilst big-ears just looked horrified.

Rory had to admit, he was getting a little out of his leauge, and he didn't completely know what was happening. But he was over 2,000 years old, and he was able to piece things together. He inched over to the big-eared man, the one who had reacted the same way as his Doctor at the mention of the Time Lords.

"You're from...after, right? After the Time War Thing?"

"Yes- I, I destroyed them all. The Time Lords can't still be alive."

"But they are," Rory said. "I saw them. I nearly shot one. Er, I think they might be evil."

Big-ears let out a bit of a manic laugh, causing his other selves to stare at him in confusion. "Might be evil. MIGHT BE EVIL? Oh, I think you MIGHT BE RIGHT."

Rory backed away, looking a bit worried, when a comforting hand fell on his shoulder. "Still a bit new, for him." Commented yet another newcomer, this one with a softer northern accent. He was younger looking than many of the others, although his clothing was a bit reminiscent of the one with the cape. "I'm beginning to wish I hadn't made the decision in the first place... It apparently won't sit well with me when I actually have to do it. "

"So you're the one who did it then? You're the one who killed them all?"

"Yes," Eight said, smiling sadly. "I ended it all and then left the universe to a future me. It's not right for one person to hold that much power, to be a god over the lives of others. I set course for Earth and ended it so that a new me could make a better go of things. I didn't realize what an effect I would have on myself though."

"Enough chit-chat," One sighed. "We need to find a way to escape the Matrix and it looks like we best be quick about it."

"Why the sudden rush?" Rory asked.

The old woman, Romana, smiled sadly. "You seem to be dissolving, dear. If we don't hurry it might become too late for you."

Rory held up is hand to inspect it, and saw Romana through it. Rory let out a whimper.

"The human mind isn't meant to experience the Matrix."

"What do I do? How do I get out of here?"

The woman answered. "That will be difficult without a TARDIS or at least a sonic."

"Wait, I know what to do." The celery man pulled the vegetable off of his lapel and went to work. "Celery has very strong healing powers," he explained, though no one asked. "If I could amplify it and change it, I may be able to break us out of the Matrix...." He paused, looking dejected. "I just need something to increase the molecular resonance."

All the Time Lords began inspecting their clothes; celery-boy dug deep into the pockets of his own cricket shorts, but came out empty handed. It was at this moment that Rory suddenly realised they were wearing the same thing.

Curiously, the nurse slipped a hand into his own pocket, only to find a cavernous space- it was larger on the inside! He managed to pull out some jelly-bellies, a moudly something he hoped was cheese, a yo-you and a digital device that beeped shrilly. "Does this help?"

The Doctors and Romana turned to stare at him in surprise. "Yes! That's perfect!"

Rory device over, happy that his and Amy's game of dress-up managed to come in handy. All the same, he thought he might think twice before taking clothes from the TARDIS wardrobe.