Friday, March 25, 2011

Crack Fic: Chapter Three

Chapter One
Chapter Two

When we last left our crack fic....

With a sudden blast of light, the pears disappeared. In their place now stood, not Amy, but portly fellow in a question marked sweater vest.

"Oh dear." Said the Doctor, looking just a bit worried.

"Oh dearrrr, oh dearrrr!" Agreed his his former self.

"Amy?" Rory sputtered. "Is that you? You look like a little man-- a very lovely little man, I mean--" He leaned over to his Doctor. "Doctor, are you sure you got the right pile of fruit?"

"Er... yes, I'm sure, there must have been a... discontinuity error in the... erm... meta filter.... doohickey." The Doctor replied in that manner that clearly indicated he had no idea what he was saying.

"In other words, those were Scottish pears," said the other man, who, as it happened, was no longer a portly gentleman. No, he had been replaced by an attractive young lad in a kilt.

"Well at least we're getting closer Rory," the Doctor declared as he stared at his former companion, "we just need to lose a J now."

Jamie looked around in confusion. "Where am I?" His gaze fell on Rory, who was approaching him cautiously. "And who the hell are you?" he asked, reaching for the claymore that, Rory now noticed, was hanging from his belt.

"You're...not Amy, then?" Rory hastily retreated several steps, as Jamie continued to glare at him.

The Doctor hurried over and put an arm around Jamie's shoulders. But at the Doctor's touch Jamie changed again, this time however only his head was replaced, finally, by Amy's. "Ah ha! Back at last are we! Cor your breath stinks of pears, might want to freshen up a little, eh?"

"Am I wearing a kilt?" Amy asked looking down, "Woah!"

Amy staggered and as the Doctor and Rory reached out to catch her she vanished and was replaced by a blond. Rose's eyes snapped up to the Tardis interior and she gasped. "Doctor!" she shouted. "You've changed! Wow, like what you've done with the place."

The Doctor beamed at her with outstretched arms. "Come here you."

Rose dashed forwards towards him, but at the last moment swung her arm, landing her slap directly on the Doctor's cheek.

"What was that for?!?!" The Doctor replied, looking horrified, as Rory watched incredulously.

"You abandoned me on that ruddy beach in Norway! Again! Without even asking! Granted that other you is a much better kisser than you are but blimey that was still a bastard thing to do!" The blond responded, clearly enraged.

" this your ex-girlfriend?" Rory asked, incredulously. "And you left her on a beach in Norway? Blimey, mate..."

Rose turned and seemed to notice Rory for the first time. "Oh, taking blokes on now, Doctor? Bit of a change from my day! Good choice though," she said, approvingly.

Rory blushed and thanked Rose. Then she looked over at the Doctor, "You've regenerated again."

"Do you like it?" The Doctor asked. "Is it an improvement?"

"Turn around," Rose commanded.

The Doctor obliged, still rubbing his face, when he had spun completely however, he saw that Rose had gone, to be replaced in quick succession with Mickey, Sarah Jane, a very surprised looking sonataran and finally Martha. "Oh come on! This is getting out of hand."

At these words, a tall thin man with oddly lively hair and a blue suit poked his head inside the TARDIS. "Did someone say 'hand'?" he asked, closing the door behind him and leaning against it. He looked around critically. "What have you done with the place?"

The Doctor stuck his chin up a bit haughtily as he looked back at the part human version of his previous incarnation. "I've improved it! The coral look was getting old. It was nearly as bad as the leopard!"

His other self wrinkled his nose as he sniffed disdainfully. "I happened to like the coral."

Eleven looked at his former self and unconsciously straightened his bow tie. "That's rich come from you. That is, the me that was you. You couldn't go gentle into that good night. You had to visit everyone we ever said "hello" to and take that TARDIS with you."

"Weeeell . . ."

"Doctor," Rory interupted.

"Yes," Ten and Eleven answered simultaneously.

Rory looked from one to the other, his mouth hanging slightly open.

Eleven glared at his metacrisis former self. "You are not the Doctor. You're my hand, and bits of...human!"

"OI! At least I've got some dress sense!" He nodded meaningfully at Eleven's bow tie.

Eleven looked defensive. "Bow ties are-" he began, but Handy cut him off.

"Bow ties are not cool." The skinny, spikey haired Doctor in blue declared. "Now you see this tie? This is cool. You'll notice how the swirly colors match perfectly with my suit. And these!" He lifted a foot to show off one maroon trainer. "Geek chic. Geek chic is cool, not... the professor look! And for the record I'm every bit as much the Doctor as you are!"

"WILL YOU TWO LISTEN TO ME?!" Rory yelled suddenly, and both Doctors turned around to face him, as if surprised to see he was there. "Right. How are you both the Doctor? He doesn't look a thing like you," he said to Eleven, pointing at the man in the suit.

"More's the pity," the suited man muttered.

Eleven glared and looked as if he was about to snap back, but then turned to Rory.  "It's complicated, but he's me in the past. Sort of. I got my hand cut off one Christmas, long story, but the point is...what?" He noticed Rory staring fixedly behind him, and turned around to see a small red-haired girl in red rubber boots peeking inside the TARDIS.

"Oi, I thought you said we were going to get ice cream!" the little girl said peevishly glaring at Handy. "If I don't get ice cream soon I'll tell Mummy you were mean to me and she'll murder you, spaceman."

"Is that - Oh no. No, nononono!"

"It is," Handy said sighing heavily. "Babysit for me?"

The Doctor stared, open mouthed, as his embarrassed former self reached up to scratch a bit at the back of his head.

"Well, long story short, Rose and I were on a mission for Torchwood and we ran into this alien who... well, to put it simply, it created babies where they shouldn't exist." He grimaced at the memory of the birth, and turned to study his 'child'. "Seems they managed to put every bit of the Donna genes to good use..." 

"So, that child is your daughter! You are a father"

"Yes and No. " Handy said. "Little Donna's DNA is half mine, half Roses. However, while society conciders the parent who gestated the child to me it's mother . . . I am Little Donna's mother."

"Ouch!" Eleven did not want to think about what his half former self had gone through.

"I don't care about your space junk. I want ice cream!" Little Donna scooted over to Handy and attached herself to his leg. Handy looked down at her and ruffled her hair. Donna looked up at him, smiled angelically, then suddenly bolted for the TARDIS console and pulled the first lever she saw.

Eleven shrieked in a startlingly high-pitched fashion and made a grab for her, but Handy just shrugged. "She flies ours all the time, don't worry about it. There's a good chance we'll end up in Greece around 405 BC, though. Last time we were there, people decided she was some sort of demigoddess. She loved that." 

"EXCUSE ME. This family reunion is touching, but my wife is gone!." Rory shouted.

Little Donna glanced at this stranger as she piloted the TARDIS like the finest cadet from the Time Academy. Three quarters human, she could feel the pain of this long nosed man. Donna looked at Martha and snapped her fingers. The person that had once been Jamie, Rose, and Martha became Amy again.

"Is that who you're whinging about, McFly?" The child asked.

Rory looked at his wife. "Erm. Yes, that's her. I just--"

"Well, what is it? I haven't got all day, dumbo. My Mummy--" Little Donna broke off and glanced at Handy, "My other Mummy- she's gonna be looking for her drugs soon. I hid them and convinced this idiot to take me for ice cream or else I'd blame it on him."

Rory looked rather startled by this speech. "That's... nice. I was just wondering how I'm going to keep myself from being arrested for having a child bride."

For standing where the pile of fruit, Jamie, Rose, and Martha had once been, was little Amelia Pond.