Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Crack Fic: Chapter One

When we last left our Crack Fic....

Once upon a time and space, the Doctor was staring at an apple.

The apple stared back.

The Doctor traced his finger over the carved face and smiled.
When the apple winked at the Time Lord, he flinched and threw the offending fruit to the TARDIS floor. It rolled and rolled until a boot stopped the rolling.

"Hello, Doctor."

The Doctor stared at the boot. He really thought he had left it in the boot cupboard near the library, but here it was! How peculiar! And there was the little matter of what appeared to be a sentient apple, but the boot... how had it gotten here? And was it the left boot or the right boot? Everyone knew right boots had a nasty temperament when separated from their left.

And then he noticed the leg attached to the boot, and then the other boot and the other leg. And then the body, and the arms, and the face... Oh my god, it was her...

"Doctor!" Cried a familiar, loud, nasally voice, and he couldn't help but wince. As much affection as he did feel for every companion he had ever had, Mel's was not a voice that he had missed.

Which was why it was extremely odd that Mel's voice was coming out of someone else's face. The face of a rarely used robotic mannequin, to be exact. It was a gift from his godfather, who had less heads and less stench, but also a lot less practicality.

Just then, the Doctor heard a sound from down long winding Tardis hallway.

"Amy? Rory?" the Doctor called out. "Been playing your silly dress-up games in the wardrobe again?"

But no one replied. Thankfully at that moment, the apple exploded in a burst of dazzling light and sonic energy. The explosion engulfed both boots and the body within it before disappearing, leaving nothing behind. Nothing but himself and the TARDIS, and his memories. Except...was that a banana on the ground?

"When, will fruit stop tormenting me? At least this one has potassium."

The Doctor watched open-mouthed as the mannequin span its head. A tentacle came up, the suckers holding a gun pointing straight at him.

"I thought you just exploded leaving nothing behind!" the Doctor shouted, gazing at the magical disappearing/reappearing mannequin with distrust. Picking up the banana he pointed it at the mannequin. "I warn you, I'm armed!"

"Don't mock me for my lack of arms," the leftmost head responded. "That's species-ist!"

"Oi, I'm not mocking! I lost a hand once!" The Doctor replied testily. The 'It ran off with my girlfriend' bit was left unspoken.

An uncomfortable silence stretched for several long moments, until the Doctor remembered that this was his ship and he should probably work out what the magical mannequin was doing there. "Why are you here?"

"I am here to kill you!" the magical mannequin proclaimed.


"Now you've put me on the spot. I don't have an evil monologue prepared."

"That's no good. You can't kill me without an evil monologue. Go away and come back when you have one."

At this, it rolled its eyes, pulled a vortex manipulator out of its pocket, and disappeared with a disappointingly undramatic "blip."

The Doctor turned to the TARDIS console, pulled some leavers and pushed some buttons. "Where and when should we go now. I'm a bit hungry. I could go for some Chinese food, or Italian. What do you think?" he asked his companion.

The banana didn't answer.

Amy poked her head around the doorway and looked suspiciously down at him. "Are you talking to a banana? That's strange even for you," she commented.

The Doctor pulled his attention away from his fruit problems and glanced up at her, then did a double-take. "Pond, why are you dressed like a policewoman...again?"

Amy shrugged. "We live in a police box. I match." She looked hard at the pear in the Doctor's hand. "Wasn't that a banana a minute ago?"

"OH NO! Oh no, OH NO!" The Doctor shouted.

Amy furrowed her ginger eyebrows as she worried for her friend. "What are you 'Oh noing?'"

"I have passed my regenerative powers to the fruit. The magic plastic man must have fobulated the super chameleon species thingie as he left?"

"What thingie?"

"Not now Pond!"

Spinning around, he crashed into the railing around the deck, then caromed off one edge of the console. Amy snickered. Cursing under his breath, he regained his balance and rushed over to where his coat lay draped over a chair. Rummaging around in the pockets, he produced a small device that looked exactly like a slide rule, except that it was made of a luminous, translucent green material.

"I've never used this before! Except for that time with the eels. I've never used it not on eels!"

Amy raised her eyebrows. "Oh yeah? What's it do, then?"

"It's a de-fobulator - it syncs to the last transferred power source and alters the osmolarity of the donor in order to reverse the polarity of the receiver and oh! There we go! Pear changes back into a banana!" The Doctor grinned at Amy expectantly. Only Amy wasn't there anymore. In her place was a neat pile of pears with a cherry on top. The Doctor swore with the most disgusting word known to the universe. "BELGIUM!"

"BELGIUM! That's it!" Suddenly remembering something, the Doctor headed to the Wardrobe Room. He knew of only one thing that could aide him in reducing this surfeit of fruit. Hopefully, it would also help return Amy to her usual pink and red state. He didn't want to think about Rory watching her turn to compost in the Console Room, waiting years for her to grow into a pear tree or something.

Now where was his old cricket uniform?

A five minute tour through the ship's labyrinthine hallways eventually led him to the wardrobe room, and also the whereabouts of his old cricket uniform. Said whereabouts was on Rory.

The nurse looked rather embarrassed about it when the Doctor questioned him. "Amy likes dressing up," he said bashfully. "Look, this is better then when she used to make me dress up as you." The Time-Lord wisely decided not to correct him on that point, instead dragging him frantically back to the console room.